somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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