I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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