Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
