I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
That accounts for only three of the penises
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
