I wannas sexs uuuuu
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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