There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
