I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
