Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
