Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
