I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
