don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I smell like Dick and happiness
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
