i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
