pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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