the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
