Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
nutella sex= disaster
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
