p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
