Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
