That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
