I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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