note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
