Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
