i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
