shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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