At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
