I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
