mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
