i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
