My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
What a dumb baby whore.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
