awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
