didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
