when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
