i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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