I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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