I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
