i love accidental penises.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
