rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
