Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wish you could order shots online.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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