So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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