based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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