Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
