Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
