Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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