happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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