You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
