I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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