I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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