I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
