I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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