By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
