Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
